A Day at Totland Bay: Or, How My Feet Became Archaeological Artefacts

It was a day like any other, except it wasn’t, because I’d decided to go for a swim at Totland Bay. 

The sun was shining, the seagulls were plotting, and I was armed with nothing but a towel, a pair of swimming shorts, and the misplaced optimism of a man who’s never met a pebble he didn’t underestimate.

Totland Bay, for those unfamiliar, is a charming stretch of the Isle of Wight, famous for its views, sunsets, and, as I was about to discover, its collection of rocks, pebbles, and stones. 

Not just any stones, mind you, but the sort of stones that look as if they were handpicked by medieval torturers on their day off.

I approached the shoreline with the confidence of a man who’s never read a geology textbook. The water sparkled invitingly, whispering, “Come in, the water’s lovely!” The pebbles, on the other hand, whispered, “Come in, the agony’s great!”

With the grace of a startled flamingo, I placed my first foot onto the stony shore. Instantly, my toes curled in protest, attempting to retreat back into my leg like a frightened hedgehog. 

Each step was a new adventure in pain: sharp, smooth, jagged, round—every variety of discomfort known to mankind and a few known only to particularly sadistic oysters.

Sea gulls watched me. A bemused expression on their faces. While I hobbled along, performing a dance that would have made the Ministry of Silly Walks proud. 

I tried to look nonchalant, as if I always walked like a man treading on Lego bricks in the dark.

At last, after what felt like a pilgrimage across the Himalayas, I reached the water’s edge. I waded in, triumphant, only to discover that the sea bed was made of—yes, you guessed it—more stones. 

I hobbled, may have yelled: “fucking stones!” To which the sea gulls shook their heads and flew off. I looked back at the shore, where my footprints were already being erased by the tide, as if the beach itself was embarrassed for me.

So, if you ever find yourself at Totland Bay, remember: bring aqua shoes, bring courage, and above all, bring a sense of humour. Because at Totland, the rocks will bruise your feet, and the sea gulls will laugh at you. 

And if you see a man hopping along the shore, muttering about medieval torture, do say hello. It’s probably me.