Andy Hawthorne

Right, pull up a chair. Not that one, it’s got a loose leg and a grudge against shins.

I thought I would share with you, my comprehensive knowledge of our galaxy. Because I know lots of interesting things about it. 

For example, you may hear the galaxy described as a ‘majestic spiral’. Total twaddle. It is in fact, a celestial hoover that is very hungry. Our galaxy is basically that one relative at a wedding buffet who hides cocktail sausages in their pockets. We’re not floating in space; we’re just sitting in the stomach of a giant that’s currently eyeing up Andromeda for dessert. It puts the 'Great Void' into perspective, it’s just the galaxy waiting for the kettle to boil.

The scientists, men with very high foreheads and even higher trousers, say the centre of the Milky Way smells of rum and raspberries. This is a lie. If it smelled of rum, my Uncle Arthur would have been there years ago with a straw and a bucket, and we’d never have seen him again.

The truth is much worse. The Milky Way is a cannibal. It’s currently eating a smaller galaxy called Sagittarius. Just swallowing it whole! No salt, no pepper, not even a polite “Do you mind if I tuck in?“ 

Those same boffin-types estimate there are hundreds of billions of galaxies in the observable universe. Don’t know about you, but I find that inconsiderate. Because I can’t keep track of my socks. 

While we are dealing with baffling things. Look outside, your window, not mine, I can’t have you all at my house. All that stuff you can see, cars, houses, that pigeon on a chimney, it’s only taking up 10% of what is actually there. Yes, that is what I said. 10%. The rest is taken up by dark matter. So dark, nobody can see it. You can’t touch it and don’t bother trying to explain it. It’s a dark matter. 

Here’s another thing, We are currently hurtling toward the Andromeda Galaxy at about 250,000 miles per hour. We’ll smash into it in about 4 billion years. That is going to be one long, drawn-out Insurance claim isn’t it? 

“Er, blog post?”

“Yes? Who are you? Stop interrupting, I’m doing science.”

“I’m Andy, the author of this blog—“

“Well, sod off then, while I finish revealing more splendid galaxy knowledge.”

“Okay, fine. I just wanted to make it clear that you are not an Astronomer.”

“Rude. I didn’t say I was.”

“Oh, I think the readers will pick up on that…”

Never mind him, here’s another great fact. The sun (and us) orbits the centre of the galaxy. It takes a while. 230 million years to complete one trip. Our local bus services have their timetables based on it. The last time we were in this exact spot in the galaxy, dinosaurs were just starting to think about maybe evolving. It gives a whole new meaning to “Are we there yet?”

Anyway, I thought I’d share a few snippets of knowledge. I’m one of those people that loves science, astronomy and all that clever stuff. While at the same time, not really having a clue how it all works. 

Right, must go, I have to water the goldfish.