Internal Memo – Dread Central
From: The Grand Commissioner (Tobias Trench)
To: All Spectral staff
Right, listen up. The Commission has noticed a distinct lack of professionalism in the park. Last week, Alfred tried to haunt a smart fridge. A smart fridge! He looked like a right muppet.
There’s an indie author called Andy who is writing a novel about you all. So, I want the park to be kept in good order. Any new arrivals should be processed straight away.
It’s called ‘Dread Central’ for a reason. Everyone dreads going there because it means they’ve snuffed it. But we don’t want that coming over in his novel. The Commission requires you all to make the whole after life thing sound like an efficient and decent departure.
Clive Smith is your Spectral Operations Manager. He will ensure that the proper paperwork is filled in. And that the Ether waiting room doesn’t get too full.
I’ve asked that Andy bloke to make sure the novel is funny. But also, to keep it bloody real. I don’t want any of Sid Smithers farts getting described in detail. Or the fact that Alfred wanders off trying to scare anyone in Piddle-on-Sea he comes across.
The Spectral Commission needs to present itself as a well organised, efficient end of life service.
End
—That’ll do it.
—Yeah, should do, Tobias.
—Wait. Should I mention it’s for the book?
—Bleeding obvious, ain’t it?
—Er, not really.
Authors note: Tobias Trench is the Grand Commissioner of the Spectral Commission that manages the afterlife. He is in the new novel I’m writing, entitled: ‘The Unfortunates’.