Andy Hawthorne

Bob Death didn’t like funerals. And he had no idea why he was at this particular one. 

He didn’t remember being invited. Or actually going. It was weird. He found himself just… there. 

He looked around the groups of mourners. And chuckled. This person clearly wasn’t that popular. There were about 10 people not counting the vicar and the undertakers. 

He spotted old Aunt Sally and her husband Stan (known as uncle nobhead’ if he remembered correctly) so he sauntered over. They’d do as people to natter to. He’s scoot off as soon as he could. 

He wandered over and gave a small wave. But Aunt Sally looked straight through him. He grinned at uncle nobhead but he also looked past him. 

“Rude,” Bob thought. But then remembered he hadn’t spoken to them for ages. 

He looked for another group. And saw his brother Dave standing with his wife, just by the church gate. He and Dave weren’t the best of brothers, either. But a sudden thought struck him.

Who the hell was the funeral for?

Not only did he not remember going. He had no idea who died. 

“I’ll ask Dave,” he muttered to himself. 

So he headed over to where Dave and his wife Cynthia, stood. But they turned and walked slowly towards the church door. Clearly without seeing him. 

Which was weird. Because they were both looking at him. Bob was sure of it. 

He looks around. And saw the old guy. 

He was wearing an old suit that had seen better days. The guy was looking straight at him and smiling. 

“Er, alright mate?”

“Hello, there Bob! I wondered when you’d realise!”

“Realise what?”

The old guy threw his head back and burst out laughing. Although it was more like a rattling cackle. 

“Do you know? Have you figured it out yet?”

Bob shook his head. 

“This is YOUR funeral!!”

“Hahahaha! Good one! Who are you, by the way?

“I’m your Uncle Zack. I died in 1902.”

Bob chuckled. And started looking for an escape route. He didn’t want to spend any longer with this old nutter. 

“Yeah, right. You’re a laugh a minute..”

Uncle Zack walked closer. Bob tried to edge away but it wasn’t happening. 

“Time for you to wake up, but not in THAT sense. Wake up to your new reality, boy!” 

Bob noticed Uncle Zack’s breath smelled of something rancid, and extra strong mints. 

“So, I’m dead am I?”

“Dead as the door post of that old church!”

“Right. And this is MY funeral?”

“Correct! You weren’t popular were you?”

Bob looked around. He counted 10 people before. So, no, if this was his funeral, he definitely wasn’t popular. 

“Wanna have some fun?”

Uncle Zack winked. Which made his eye look like it fell out of the socket. 

“Er, I’ve just found out I’m dead. Fun isn’t at the top of my list.”

Uncle Zack sighed. 

“Alright, alright. Here you go. You had a heart attack while waiting for the number 9 bus. The Deaths have had dodgy hearts for centuries. So, you are following the family tradition!”

Bob tried to process that. But all he could feel was… Nothing. But then he realised that wasn’t a shock. He was dead. 

“C’mon Bob! You might have been a miserable git while you were alive. But you can have some fun now!”

“Right. Fair one. What are we doing?” 

“Scaring the bejaysus out of that Cynthia. Your brothers wife. She saw a photo of me and said I looked like a ghost!”

“Well, technically, you are…”

“I was still alive in that photo! The cheeky cow!” 

“Well…”

Bob thought for a moment. There was a lot to take in. He was dead. There was that. He died at a bus stop. Ironic. And now, he was floating around with an uncle he never met.

Seemed like a perfect time to scare Cynthia. He remembered the time she kept tutting when he went to see Dave in hospital. She didn’t like him taking the piss out of Dave for “laying in hospital”. 

“Alright. I’m up for it. What are we doing…”

He felt himself being rushed along and then, somehow, he was inside the church. Right behind Cynthia and Dave. 

‘Dearly beloved…” Intoned the vicar.

“We are gathered here today…”

Zack leaned forward. Right up to Cynthia’s ear. Then, he yelled:

“BOOOOO!!!!”

Cynthia leapt at least three feet into the air. And let out a high pitched scream. That made Dave bounce up out of his seat and head-butt the person in front. It was someone Bob didn’t recognise. Some old dear who turned in shock saying: “Oh, for God’s sake!”

Zack doubled over, roaring with cackling laughter. Bob couldn’t help but chuckle, too. 

Cynthia turned bright red, clutched her substantial arse cheeks and ran out of the church. 

Zack howled and cackled again. Bob couldn’t help but join in. 

Who knew? His own funeral would be so much fun. 

The vicar cleared his throat.

“For some, grief is just much,” and tuned the page. 

Zack slapped Bob on the back. And said:

“And for some, new underwear is urgently required!” 

Bob nodded and followed Zack out the church. To who knew where?