Barnaby Finch Wakes Up

Mr Barnaby Finch esq. died at an undisclosed time on an undisclosed date. But one thing he knew very, very well was: he was quite dead. 

And he didn’t mind at all. He spent most of his days wandering around the ether, having a chat now and then, with other lost souls. Stopping for a cup of tea at the cafe on the High Street…

—Oi! Andy!

—Er, yes?

—Editor here. You can't write that.

—What? Which bit?

—Well, all of it so far.

—Why?

—There’s no High Street in the after life…

—Been there, have you?

Barnaby Finich looked up at the top of the page.

—Er hello? Who are you two?

—Don’t worry about it, Barnaby. 

—Don’t worry? This is a story about me. Im bound to be worried. And why do I have to be dead? 

—If you be quiet for a moment… 

Silence. Good, I can carry on. Bloody editor. Always interfering. Where was I? Ah yes, Barnaby would go to the cafe and have a mug of tea. Chat with Mrs Miggins that ran the place.  The cafe always smelled of baking biscuits, but none were available. And the tea was always of the builders variety — which suited him fine. Then, he’d wander off again and see what else was going on. Which, since it was the afterlife, was not all that much. 

Until…

One day, he was strolling along the High Street and he saw a pigeon flying in the dark sky above his head. The pigeon was trailing a small flag behind it that said: “Eric.” 

Barnaby thought nothing of it. The afterlife could be weird at times. But the pigeon flew down and landed on a fence near him. It took a note out of a satchel around its body. He handed the note to Barnaby. Heres what it said:

If you can read this, you’re not dead.

Barnaby laughed and went to hand the note back. But the pigeon gave him side-eye and flew off. then, there was a large noise.

KABOOM!!

And Barnaby found himself standing in his old back garden. The garden wasn’t old, it was a garden. But it was the garden where he used to live. 

What the hell? 

—Alright, Barnaby! I haven’t seen you for ages!

It was Ted Fletcher, his neighbour. Or his former neighbour.

—Er, alright, Ted? 

—Yeah, mate, all good. Been away anywhere nice? Ted nodded and smiled.

Barnaby wasnt sure what to say.

—Well, Ive been dead. So, no, not really.

Ted grinned.

—Ah, you went to Skegness, then. People say it’s a bit dead. But I like it…

Barnaby shook his head.

—No, no, I mean I was actually dead. 

Ted stared at him for a long moment. He knew it was long because he measured it with a tape measure he had in his pocket. He didn’t know how it got there.

—Really? Blimey. That was unfortunate. Still, you are back now! 

Barnaby nodded. That seemed like a good point. Then, he had an idea.

—Ted? Have you seen a pigeon around? 

Ted looked up, looked around and then smiled.

—Yes! Eric. Hell be around here somewhere.

—Right. Whats special about him? 

—I dunno. Nothing as far as I know.  Ted looked confused.

Barnaby decided he wanted a cup of tea. He looked at his own backdoor. And wondered if he could get in.

—Right, Ill go and make a cup of tea. I don’t suppose…

—Ah yes, Ted dug around in one of his other pockets. He pulled out a set of keys.

—You asked me to look after your keys.

He passed them over the fence. Barnaby looked at them like a man who had no memory of asking anyone to look after his keys. He nodded his thanks and let himself into the house. He noticed it was pretty much as he left it. Albeit it with a slightly fusty smell. It was then he glanced out of the window. And saw Eric The Pigeon. 

He was flying upside down.