Blog Blundering: a Mental Safari

wherein we discover the elusive Blog Idea in its natural habitat

Good mornevening, fellow word-manglers and thought-peddlers! Today I shall embark upon the treacherous expedition of explaining how one captures a wild Blog Idea without getting one's creative appendages savagely mauled in the process.

THE GREAT IDEA DROUGHT 
Last Tuesday (or possibly Wednesday—the days have formed a union and are refusing to identify themselves properly), I sat before my computer screen, which glowed with the sinister emptiness of a politician's promise. My brain, that unreliable lump of porridge, had declared itself temporarily closed for renovations.

"BRAIN!" I shouted internally, "PRODUCE SOMETHING OF VALUE!"

My brain replied by conjuring an image of a duck wearing braces.

Not helpful, brain. Not bloody helpful at all.

METHODS FOR THE MENTALLY MAROONED
There are, I have discovered, seventeen thousand ways to find blog ideas. Unfortunately, I've forgotten sixteen thousand nine hundred and ninety-seven of them. Here are the remaining three:

1. The Newspaper Plunder - Take today's newspaper. Close eyes. Stab finger randomly at page. Open eyes. Write blog about "Local Council Debates Roundabout Shrubbery Heights." FASCINATING CONTENT ASSURED. Last attempt resulted in "Obituaries: Ethel Grimthorpe, 93." I wrote six thousand words on Ethel's imagined secret life as an international jewel thief. Her family has contacted their solicitor.
2. The Shower Revelation - All good ideas occur in the shower. This is scientific FACT. The problem, you see, is remembering the blasted things once you're dry again. I've taken to scrawling ideas on the shower wall with a bar of soap. Yesterday's revolutionary concept: "Blrg ptts abt ctts." Still working on the translation.

The Conversation Eavesdrop - Position self in café. Listen furiously to surrounding conversations. Write blog based on overheard wisdom. 
    "But Derek, the hamster CAN'T be the father!" 
    Blog gold, I tell you. PURE GOLD.

WHAT ACTUALLY WORKS (ALLEGEDLY)
After seventeen years of blogging (or possibly seventeen minutes—time is another unreliable construct), I've determined that blog ideas are like cats. They appear precisely when you're busy doing something else, and they disappear the moment you show interest.

The solution? Always carry something to note ideas on. I use my forearm, which explains why I'm perpetually covered in smudged ink and why the doctor thinks I'm trying to summon demons with the mysterious symbols I present at each check-up.

THE TERRIBLE TRUTH
The absolute worst method—which naturally I employ most frequently—is sitting down with the specific intention of "thinking up blog ideas." This is like trying to remember a dream by headbutting the pillow. It DOESN'T WORK.

Instead, I recommend the following sophisticated technique:

1. Decide to clean the bathroom
2. Notice how brain suddenly overflows with brilliant blog concepts
3. Abandon bathroom mid-scrub
4. Write frantically
5. Live with partially cleaned bathroom for six months

CONCLUSION, OR SOMETHING VAGUELY RESEMBLING ONE
And so, dear fellow plog bosters and blog posters, we reach the end of our mental excursion. Remember: the best ideas often come disguised as completely different ideas, wearing false moustaches and speaking with unconvincing accents.

If all else fails, write about not having anything to write about. That's what I've done here, and look how well it turned out!

[The author was last seen chasing what appeared to be a fully-formed blog post across a field. Witnesses report it was wearing running shoes and laughing maniacally.]