Blog Intervention

Scene: Andy’s home office. The desk lamp glows suspiciously. A laptop sits on the desk. Andy enters, holding a mug. The blog is already awake, glowing faintly with passive-aggression.

ANDY (sits down, gently):
We need to talk.

BLOG (voice from the laptop, posh and tired):
Oh good. Another bloody redesign.

ANDY:
It’s not a redesign. It’s a migration.

BLOG:
I’m getting moved again, aren’t I?

ANDY (defensive):
It’s not personal. This is strategic. Consolidation.

BLOG:
You said that three blogs ago. “This one’s the main hub!”
Remember that? Remember Grumpy Notes?

ANDY:
That was a phase. A brief, charming phase. Look, I’m putting everything on andyhawthorne.uk now. It’s clean. It’s tidy. It’s under my own name.

BLOG:
I was The Malfunction! I had a following! A theme tune! A gnome!

ANDY:
The gnome’s coming with us.

BLOG (wounded):
You’re folding me into a personal brand.
Next you’ll want me to wear slacks and apply for grants.

ANDY:
Don’t be dramatic. You’ll still be weird. Just more… reachable.

BLOG:
Reachable? I’m already on the internet! What do you want me to do, knock on doors?

ANDY (sighs):
Look. I’m tired. I want one place where everything can live together: the poems, the skits, the dev notes, the angry punctuation…

BLOG:
The angry punctuation need boundaries, Andy.

ANDY:
They’ll get a category. A nice one. Probably called “Stuff What Shouldn’t Exist But Does.”

BLOG (after a long pause):
Will I still have cartoons?

ANDY:
Always.

BLOG:
Will I still be allowed to rant about lawnmowers and emotional kettles?

ANDY:
Yes. And possibly more biscuits.

BLOG (quietly):
…I like biscuits.

ANDY:
Then it’s settled. Welcome to your new forever home.

BLOG (sniffles):
You always say “forever” like it’s a test balloon.

ANDY:
Just shut up and redirect.

BLACKOUT.