Going Faster in Birmingham
Birmingham City Council has announced that it intends to introduce a 20mph speed limit on all local roads in Birmingham. The Social Pace Enabling Enforcement Department (S.P.E.E.D) has made it clear it supports this move. Claiming it is time that Birmingham street life is no longer dominated by the car.
However, this has met with loud opposition from the Futuristic Acceleration Speed Team (F.A.S.T) who claim driving around Birmingham is already an exceptionally frustrating experience for anyone wanting to get where they are going on the same day they set off.
But perhaps, the most unusual opposition to this plan has come from the group known as Regulatory Unified Speed Hiking (R.U.S.H). Mr Bill Leggit said: “Making 20mph the speed limit is ridiculous. Those of us who use walking poles for perambulation along the footpaths, towpaths and trails of Birmingham will easily surpass 20mph. Are we to be prosecuted for speeding now?”
Councillor Peggy Sloe from the City Council said: “Evidence from around the world on slower speed limits is very clear: it reduces collisions, saves lives and reduces injuries – so our message is simple: slower is safer.”
However, spokesperson for FAST, Sam Moveit responded: “Ridiculous! The congestion we have in Birmingham already is such that, if I bumped into an old lady crossing the road, she would merely think her haemorrhoids were playing up, since I’d be moving that slowly in the traffic!”
And what of those infernal e-bikes and scooters? What is to be done about those? They are capable of speeds in excess of the average Birmingham traffic jam. Will those riders also face persecutionprosecution?
It reminds me of a time I was serving in the army in Germany. In those days, I was a keen cyclist. So keen that I pedalled for miles whenever the Sergeant-Major said I could have some time off.
One day, I went tearing through a small village. To find a German police car behind me, announcing I should pull over. My initial thought was, they wanted to know where I got my bike from. Or maybe they were keen cyclists, too. But when the officer approached me he said:
“Sie müssen langsamer fahren. Sie überschreiten die zulässige Höchstgeschwindigkeit.”
To which I said:
“Er, pardon?”
He rolled his eyes, frowned and scratched the back of his head. All at the same time.
“You cycling too fastiche, der speed limitiche ist 20km per hour. You were going 28km per hour.”
“Ah, sorry about that, I’ll slow down,” I said, waving my hands up and down to suggest slowing down.
He nodded. “Yar, gut,” he said and walked back to his car. I jumped back on my bike and pedalled slower through the next village.
If you find yourself in Birmingham when the council introduces the new speed limit, I suggest wearing a speedometer on your wrist. At least you’ll have something to look at while waiting in the traffic jam.