Tales From The Bookshop — The Big book
Tales From The Bookshop
Big Gaz arrives in the shop looking for a big book, but not for what you might think
—Alrigh’ Ted?
—Hello, mate, ‘ow yer doin’?
—Great mate, Or I will be when I find the righ’ book.
—Mate, feel free to ‘ave a good browse. Shout if yer need any help.
Big Gaz gave me the thumbs up. He worked on the building, a brick layer by trade, I think.
He ain’t called ‘Big Gaz’ for nothing. He’s about six feet six inches tall. And I’d say his mother fed ‘im well when he were a young fella.
His high-vis hung open. No way would the velco strips reach across his chest to do it up.
I watched while he searched the shelves. He seemed to be looking for something big.
—Alrigh’ there Gaz?
—Yeah, mate. Just gotta find the right one. I want a big thick one.
—Right, try this.
I pulled down a copy of ‘War and Peace’. He nodded. But kept looking.
So I pulled down the English Oxford Dictionary, writers edition.
—Nah, Ted. The covers on them are wrong. To shiny.
—Er, righ’. Why does that matter?
—Basic, mate. Basic.
He didn’t explain any further. He frowned.
—Need summat hefty, Ted. About two inches. Hardback. None of that flimsy poetry shite.
—Gaz, it’s a bookshop, not a B&Q. What you actually after? History? Biographies?
—Don’t matter. The kitchen table’s got the shakes. Mary’s put a folded-up coaster under it, but the soup still slides off when the washing machine’s on the spin cycle.
—Wha’?
He looked at me, also confused.
—Wha’? About wha’?
—You’re buyin’ a book to rest your wonky table on?
—Doh! Yeah! Of course! Did yer think I was buyin’ it to read it?
—Well, I did wonder…
—Daft sod! That’s why them other ones are no good. Shiny covers, see? The table leg would slip off.
—Righ’. Why don’t you repair the table?
He looked at me like I had two heads.
—Wha’? Piss about wasting time doin’ tha’? Easier just to stick a book under it.
That’s when I had a brainwave. I went out the back. Routed about in the ’shit that’ll never sell’ box. Came out with ‘A Guide To Windows 11’.
—‘Ere yer go, mate. I reckon that’ll do it.
—Damn right. Nailed. Perfect, Ted.
See? “Ted’s Books - Not Just For Reading.”