Tales From The Bookshop - The Tea Cosy Hat

There I was, putting out a new set of books, enjoying the smell. There really is nothing like the smell of new books. 

The door chimed; I looked up. A bloke walked into the store and I knew I was in trouble straight away. His coat reached to his knees; his trousers were too short, revealing odd socks. But the most prominent thing? He had a bright yellow tea cosy on his head. 

I kept busy putting the new books out on the shelf. He started browsing the latest releases section. Tea cosy firmly in place. 

—S’cuse me? 

—Good morning! How may I help you? 

—I’m looking for a book called ‘The Hat Murders’ by TR Ilby. 

—Oh, that’s a new author to me. When did it come out? 

—Tomorrow. 

—Er? 

—You have pre-release editions from publishers, right? 

—Yes, that can happen—

—‘The Hat Murders’ by TR Ilby then please. 

—Let me look that up for you, I’m not familiar with the author. 

—Fine. 

I went to my computer and searched the publisher’s database, knowing full well that the answer would be. 

—Are you sure about that author? His name is not found in the National Book Library database. 

—Absolutely. I wouldn’t come in here asking for a book that doesn’t exist, now, would I? 

—I’m not suggesting you—

—Good. The book then, please. 

—I don’t have it in stock. I can see if I can order it—

—No. I need today. 

—Ah well, I can’t help you then; I don’t have it. 

—I’ll wait. 

—It won’t get here today. Especially since I can’t find it—

—Did you look under umbrella-based thrillers? 

—Why would I do that? 

—Because it’s a book about hat murders. 

—Right?

—Well, it seems reasonable that if the murderer was wearing a hat, they may also have an umbrella. 

—ah, very good. Book classifications don’t work like that. 

—No? Well, they should. 

—I have to ask…

—Yes? 

—Why are you wearing a tea cosy? 

—It’s cold out. 

—Indeed. But it’s an unorthodox choice of headwear—

—A tea cosy is for keeping tea warm. So why not my head? 

—I suppose. They designed them for teapots.

—I didn’t have another hat. It’s cold. So, I made do. 

—Well, I commend you for that—

—Yes, good. Now, the book? 

—I don’t have it. Are you sure of the title and the author? 

—Do I look mad? 

—Well, now you ask—

—Exactly, clearly I’m not. So, I will remove the cosy once it warms up. 

—Right, well, I’m sorry about the book—

—Have you read TR Ilby—

—You do know that author’s name? Spells out the name of another type of hat? 

—Pardon? 

—Yes, T.R.I.L.B.Y. 

—That’s not a hat, it’s a sandwich. 

—Er, no, it’s not. It’s a hat. 

—Rubbish. I had a Trilby for my lunch yesterday. 

—Right. Well, anyway. I don’t have your book. 

The man took his tea cosy off, adjusted the shape and shoved it back on his head. He turned and marched out of the shop backwards. 

I went through to the back where I kept my kettle and teapot. I put the tea cosy on my head. He was right about one thing: it kept my head warm.