The Case Of The Slighted Sausage

CAST:
NARRATOR (Grams)
HENRY CRUN (Chip Shop Proprietor)
MINNIE BANNISTER (His Assistant)
ECCLES (Customer)
FISH (A very posh fish)
PIE (Cockney pie)
SAUSAGE (Melodramatic sausage)

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[GRAMS: Chip shop bell rings. Frying noises.]

NARRATOR:
It is a foggy night in Lower Twiddle-on-the-Wold. A mysterious figure approaches the local chip emporium, run by the ever-vigilant Henry Crun and his assistant, Minnie Bannister.

ECCLES:
(Eagerly) Hello, I’d like a bag of chips, please!

CRUN:
A bag of chips? Just chips? No fish, pie, or sausage to keep them company?

ECCLES:
No, just chips. I’m on a strict potato diet.

MINNIE:
Ooooh, Henry, he’s one of those chip-only radicals!

[GRAMS: Fryer sizzles. Suddenly, a posh voice pipes up.]

FISH:
(Indignant) Excuse me! Did I hear correctly? No fish? Not even a battered wink?

ECCLES:
Er, no thank you, Mr. Fish.

FISH:
(Offended) Well, I never! I’ve been swimming upstream for this? I could have been a cod in Parliament!

PIE:
(Cockney) Oi! What’s wrong with a nice steak and kidney, eh? Warm, flaky, and full of surprises!

ECCLES:
I just want chips, honest!

SAUSAGE:
(Melodramatic, wobbly) Oh, the agony! The humiliation! Passed over for a mere tuber! Is it because I’m cylindrical?

MINNIE:
Don’t take it so hard, sausage. He’s just a chip man.

SAUSAGE:
(Weeping) But I’m delicious! I could roll off the counter in protest!

CRUN:
Now, now, everyone, let’s not get greasy. Eccles, are you sure you won’t reconsider? The fish is looking rather pale.

ECCLES:
No, just chips, please! I promise to think about you all next time.

FISH:
(Huffily) Next time? By then I’ll be fishcakes!

PIE:
And I’ll be past my sell-by date!

SAUSAGE:
I’ll be… (dramatic pause) …a memory.

MINNIE:
Oh, Henry, it’s a tragedy in batter.

CRUN:
Here you are, Eccles. One bag of chips, and a side order of guilt.

ECCLES:
Thank you! (Munches) Mmm, tastes like drama.

[GRAMS: Chip shop bell rings. Fryer sizzles. Distant sobbing sausage.]

NARRATOR:
And so, our hero leaves, pursued by a chorus of culinary complaints.

[END]