The Custard Cream Incident

The Custard Cream Incident 

SCENE: NIGEL’S KITCHEN.

A kettle hums distantly. A mug of coffee rests on the table. A biscuit tin lurks nearby, shifty.

NIGEL:(quietly, to himself)

Not today. I’ve been good. Haven’t I?

SFX:
TIN CREAKS SLIGHTLY.

NIGEL:
That was wind. Kitchen wind. Not a biscuit rebellion.

SFX:
TIN LID SLIDES OPEN… SLOWLY.

CUSTARD CREAM 1:
Come on, mate. Just one of us. We’re small.

CUSTARD CREAM 2:
Yeah, barely count as a snack. You’ve burnt more calories having this conversation.

NIGEL:
I’m trying to lose weight!

SQUARE CREAM:
You said that yesterday.

NIGEL:
That’s because it was yesterday!

SQUARE CREAM:
Well then. You’re due another.

SFX:
TIN RATTLES ENCOURAGINGLY.

CUSTARD CREAMS(chanting):
One of us! One of us! One of us!

SFX:
SLOW REACH. TENSE PAUSE.

NIGEL (stares into mug):
…

COFFEE MUG(shrugs audibly):
What can I say?