The Final Working Day Before Holiday

It is a well-known and entirely unremarkable fact that the universe is mostly made up of empty space, dark matter, and the collective sighs of office workers on their last day before a holiday. 

Today, readers, I am one of them. If you listen closely, you may hear my own sigh echoing faintly somewhere between Alpha Centauri and the break room.

The final working day before a holiday is a day unlike any other. It is a day when time itself, usually a rather brisk and businesslike fellow, decides to don a Hawaiian shirt and move at the pace of a hungover sloth. Every tick of the clock is a personal affront, every email a cosmic joke, and every meeting an existential crisis.

The universe, in its infinite wisdom, has conspired to ensure that the last day before a holiday is the most tumultuous, the most fraught, and the most likely to involve a printer jam of catastrophic proportions. The printer, of course, is sentient and knows you are leaving. It will wait until precisely 4:59 p.m. to emit a sound not unlike a Martian  reciting poetry, and then demand more cyan.

Colleagues, who have not spoken to you since the last solar eclipse, will suddenly remember urgent tasks that only you can complete. “Could you just take a quick look at this?” they’ll say, with the innocent expression of a small child asking for a bedtime story, and the timing of a tax audit.

Your brain, meanwhile, has already checked out. It is sipping a piña colada on a beach somewhere, leaving only your body behind to type, nod, and make the occasional noise of agreement. This is why, if you read back your emails from today, you may find they are mostly composed of the word “holiday” repeated several times, interspersed with the lyrics to “Escape (The Piña Colada Song).”

Lunch, which on any other day is a brief and utilitarian affair, now stretches into an epic odyssey. You find yourself staring at your sandwich, contemplating the meaning of existence, the nature of time, and whether you packed enough sunscreen.

And then, at long last, the moment arrives. The clock strikes five (or, if you are truly bold, 4:57). You gather your things, say your goodbyes, and walk out into the world, free at last. The universe breathes a sigh of relief. The printer, sensing your absence, immediately begins working perfectly.

So, if you too are facing your final working day before a holiday, remember: Don’t Panic. Bring a towel. And whatever you do, don’t check your email until you return. The universe will still be here when you get back, and so, unfortunately, will the printer.