The Greasy Spoon - 10th April 2026

Bob and Joe, two grumpy old guys sit in a cafe in Coventry, slagging each other, discussing their lives and what's in the news.

—They moved us then, Bob. 

—Yeah, still by the window, though. So that’s alright, in’t it? 

—Yeah, I reckon that old pair complained. 

—Do yer?

—Yeah, if yer count, there’s an extra table now. 

—Bloody hell, I never counted before. 

—I’m sure there is, look, over there. 

—Oh yeah. Is there a sign on it?

—Er, no? 

—It might say for the ‘Grumpy Old Pair’. 

—Ha! It’s their husbands I feel sorry for. 

—Ah yeah, ‘im with the piles. I wonder if he knows she blabs it all around the place. 

—Dunno. 

—‘Ow’s yours—

—Bugger off. Don’t want to talk about it. 

—I could write a book. ‘Bob And His Metric Miles’. 

—Fuck off, you. 

—Here, Bob? ‘Ave yer seen the news? Trump, Trump, bloody Trump.

—Eh? What d’yer mean, Joe? 

—The news. Trump ‘aving a go at NATO. Melania made a weird statement. Starmer saying he’s fed up with Trump. The news is all about Trump. 

—Ah, yeah. See what yer mean. He likes the attention. 

—Must do. Dodgy as fuck, though. He could do damage to NATO. 

—Yeah, he could at that. 

—Then, there’s the Russians up to no good. In our waters. Who knows what they’re up to. 

—Yeah, saw that. Fer fuck’s sake is anything good going on? 

—Nah. Although your Gracie is in Cyprus now ain’t she, Bob? 

—Yeah.

–Enjoying it? 

—Yeah. 

—what’s it like these days? 

—Sunny. 

—It was sunny when I was there, an’ all.

—Surprised you remember. You were pissed. 

—Not all the time. 

—Are we eating today? 

—Yeah, fuck it, bacon sarnie? 

—Let’s do it.

…

—She’s learned off Brenda, Bob. 

—Yeah, I would say so. 

—Top sarnie, this is. 

—Yeah.

—You’ve done it again with the sauce.

—Ah, bollocks! 

—Yer need a bib.

—Sod off, you. Go and get the brews in. 

—Let me finish me sarnie first. 

—Yer falsies slowing yer chewing down are they?

—Ha! Piss off!