The Greasy Spoon - 12th April 2026

—Bob?

—Morning, Joe.

—I’m getting used to the iPhone now. 

—Yeah, you only pocket dialled me twice this week.

—I know, don’t go on about it. 

—Here, Joe, deal or no deal? 

—Don’t watch it. Bloody shite—

—No, I’m mean about the peace talks. It was like they were playing the game but with no banker. 

—Mate, that’s not bad, that. I see what yer mean. 

—Yeah, it was like opening the boxes, finding they had the 25k, watching it disappear off the board but no offer from the banker. 

—There’s a phrase, Bob. I’m trying to remember from me Northern Ireland days in the army. Hang on…

—I can hear the cogs. They sound rusty. 

—Fuck off, you. 

—Did yer remember it? 

—I did. It’s “diametrically opposed”.

—Fuck me, did yer eat a dictionary for breakfast? 

—Nah, it means when two sides have no common ground, like. No starting point. 

—That would mean even the US didn’t want peace, not sure that’s right. 

—Nah, they want it on their terms. That’s the problem. 

—Too fucking technical fer me on a Sunday, Joe. 

—Bloody Sky Blues only managed a draw, I see. 

—Yeah, too much pressure to win, I reckon. 

—They need to calm down. It’s theirs for the taking. 

—Yeah, we’re going up, I tell ya. 

—We should be alright. 

—Are we going to the caff tomorrow? 

—I’d say so. 

—Pur yer big coat on, it’s gonna be bloody freezing. 

—Alright, mum. 

—Bollocks, check fer yerself. 

—Yeah, I did, it said it was getting colder. 

—Glorious spring, eh? ‘Ow’s Gracie getting on in Cyprus? 

—Alright, they went to see some old rocks. Then, some more somewhere else. 

—D’yer mean The Tomb of the Kings? 

—Ah, summat like that. 

—I went there back in the Eighties.

—Did yer? Was it a pile of old knackered rocks then an’ all? 

—No appreciation of history, you, Bob. 

—Nah, don’t want to fly 3000 miles to look at a pile of old knackered rocks. 

—I give up. Right, I’m going. 

—Alright, see ya tomorrow. Switch yer screen off so yer don’t pocket dial me. 

—Right. Cheeky bugger.