The Greasy Spoon - 15th April 2026

—Yer made it then? 

—Yeah, I was a bit rough for a couple of days, Joe. 

—Mate, yer a bit rough most days. 

—Ah now, bollocks. 

—Right, Brenda’s serving, so sarnie then? 

—Er…

—What? 

—Well, I’ve had dodgy guts—

—Are yer gonna shit yerself again? 

—Oi! What d’yer mean, again? 

—What’s that smell, then? 

—Fuck off, you. Taking advantage of the ill. 

—I’m hungry, let me get the sarnies. I don’t want yer straining yerself.

…

—Mind the sauce, Joe. Yer usually squirt it all down—

—Sod off. 

—Good news though, she said they have a new bacon supplier. 

—Oh yeah? The old pig retired has he? 

—Yampy bugger! According to Bren, they have. Straight from the butcher. 

—Well, it’s bloody nice. 

—See Starmer has been getting stick over defence spending. 

—He’s too busy putting up new curtains. 

—Oh aye, I saw that. Thirty bloody grand to do is flat up? 

—Taking the piss, that. 

—You ain’t kidding. 

—We sent a load of drones to Ukraine. 

—Yeah, no point us having ‘em. We’ve not got the troops to operate the buggers. 

—Although, Starmer had a hissy fit with the Speaker today didn’t he? 

—Ah, comedy gold, mate! The Speaker pointed out it was PM questions not the Opposition questions. 

—He never answers a question, does he? 

—Nah. Rubbish. 

—Mate, your Gracie will be married now then?

—Yep. Today it was. 

—Have yer seen any photos yet?

—Yeah, couple of ‘em. 

—Let’s have a look. 

—No. 

—Eh? Why? 

—She said not to show anyone else until the official ones are out. 

—I won’t tell her I’ve seen ‘em. 

—Alright, but if yer do—

—I won’t. 

…

—Ah nice. She’s looks grand. 

—Yep.

—Bob? 

—Yeah?

—The husband? He’s a bit—

—I know mate, scruffy bugger, right? 

—Didn’t want to say it. 

—Nah, it’s fine. don’t say it to Gracie though. 

—I won’t mate. 

—Right, more coffee? 

—Thought you’d never ask.