The Greasy Spoon - 1st March 2026

Joe and Bob on a rainy day in the caff discuss the Sky Blues, dodgy parking and pricey cafes

—Wotcha, Joe.

—Alright, Bob?

—I’ll order. You grab that table by the window before them old dears nick it.

—Right. Coffee for me, mate. Two sugars.

—The Sky Blues are doing alright, ain’t they?

—Yeah. Good win up at Stoke.

—I never thought Lampard would do any good as a boss. Turns out he’s got summat.

—We’re ‘eading for the Premier League, the way we’re going.

—Dunno what’s going on at Villa. Fucking shite.

—I heard somebody say it’s about momentum. Whatever the fuck that means.

—Ah yeah. Getting in the groove an’ all that.

—Fucking Villa need to find the field they’re playing on first.

—Why are you talking about Villa?

—Ah, Les, the bloke at the club keeps going on about ‘em. 

—Ah, Right.

—Bloody hell, decent brew, that.

—I thought about going to that new place.

—The one by Maccies?

—Yeah.

—Fuck that. ’Ave ya seen the prices?

—I heard it was pricey.

—Pricey? You sign up for a mortgage on the way in.

—Balls to that, then.

—Spring now, then, mate.

—Someone should tell the bloody weather.

—Shite, ain’t it? Rain, rain, fucking rain.

—Yeah, but yer know what? They’ll still ban hosepipes in the summer.

—Ha. Yeah. Likely.

—They’ll say all the rain was the “wrong type of rain”.

—Ha! Fucking mental. Is it not wet enough?

—I walked past a Severn Trent van the other day. Bloke had a pipe on the mains, water pissing all down the road. Him? Sat in his van, drinking tea.

—Wha?

—Yeah. Water pissing down the road. Him drinking tea. No wonder they keep sayin’ we’re short of water.

Bob glanced towards the door.

—Hold up. ’Ere’s trouble.

—State of that.

—They should be at school.

—And that’s supposed to be a school uniform.

—Bloody hell. Can’t be right, that.

—Don’t look. They’ll ‘ave a go at us.

Joe nodded towards the car park.

—Fer fuck’s sake. Will ya look at Captain Forty‑Seven‑Point‑Turn out there?

—S’up? Oh yeah.

—’Ow many shunts is he gonna do before he’s parked?

—Drivers these days. Dunno how they pass their tests.

—I heard the test is easier nowadays.

—Fucking must be, watching that bloke. Look, he’s still not parked.

—It is a tight spot though.

Joe checked his watch.

—Yeah, s’pose. We eating?

—Dunno. Not hungry. Let them schoolies bugger off first.

—I’ll get us more coffee?

—Yeah. Good shout. Matey’s finally parked up.

—Give ’im a medal if he comes in ’ere.