The Greasy Spoon — 3rd March 2026

Joe and Bob discuss vegan cakes, the right temperature for coffee and tv licences

—Sarnie?

—Ooh, yeah. Daddies sauce on mine.

—Righto.

—Fucking queue in ’ere today.

—It’s getting too popular.

—Might ’ave to try somewhere else.

—Ha! I doubt it.

—True.

—I went in the caff in that FarGo Village the other day.

—Did ya? Any good?

—Coffee was cold.

—Did ya take it back?

—I did. The next one was cold.

—For fuck’s sake. What did ya do?

—Told that bastardista to sort out the temperature. Know what he said?

—Go on.

—“Coffee is not supposed to be served with boiling water.”

—Wha?

—Yep. That’s what ’e said.

—Well, he was talkin’ bollocks then, weren’t he?

—Total, mate. And the bit o’ cake we ’ad?

—What was that like?

—Fucking vegan. Tasted like a block of cardboard.

—Why did you order vegan?

—We didn’t. It’s what they ’ad.

—Fuck tha. I ain’t going there.

—I wouldn’t. Oh, did ya see the great news from the council?

—Yeah. Council tax going up. Agin.

—Robbers, mate. Might as well put masks on.

—I don’t see what we’re getting for it.

—Nah. City’s still a crap ’ole.

—Yeah. Pisses me off every time I see an overflowing bin.

—Talking of bills…

—Yeah?

—TV licence. Up again.

—Fuck tha. I don’t pay fer one.

—No?

—Nah. Never watch any o’ that BBC shite.

—It ain’t as simple as that. You’re supposed to pay if you receive broadcast signals—

—They can do one. I ain’t paying. It’s a bloody disgrace.

—True. I ain’t seen a good show on there fer years.

—I reckon it’s run by Lefties.

—Could be, Bob.

—President Trump is gonna take ’em for billions.

—Yeah. Be interesting to see how that plays out.

—You gonna watch the rugger?

—I daren’t. Every time I watch it, they lose.

—Yeah, I know what you mean. Might give it a miss meself.

—Ah, sarnies.

—Fucking business, these sarnies are.

—Yer got sauce on yer chin.

—Bollocks. It’s down me front as well. Gis a napkin.

—You need a bib.

—Fuck off.

—Getting busy in ’ere.

—Told ya. It’s getting too popular in ’ere.