The Problem With Sizes

I know what size I am and I don’t lie about it. I’m sixty one years-old and not much I do is going to change my shape and size. I know that.

Clothing manufacturers don’t seem to understand that at all. I will focus on t-shirts, but it's the same thing for everything we wear. Even bloody socks.

So, I buy a size Large t-shirt. And the first problem I face is, the shirt wasn't designed for humans. Or a human with shoulders. No, they are for beings with shoulders the width of a garden gnome. The result? By the time the shirt has spread across my shoulders, every movement exposes my stomach.

I am not a muscle-bound super-fit looking person. I am of normal sixty one year-old size and over six feet tall. But I do have shoulders. So, why do t-shirt manufacturers forget that?

So I try another manufacturer. One where size large means “baggy and shapeless after two washes.” I prefer baggy. It hides the middle-aged spread and feels comfortable. But after two washes it’s hard to know whether it is a t-shirt or a sack with a neck hole.

There is another thing I should point out. I'm not one of those blokes who hoists his waistband up to his armpits. My cargo shorts sit around my waist, like a normal person. So, my t-shirts need to make it down to at least my waistband. Many don’t. They arrive at my stomach and give up.

Now, I realise I could buy size extra-large. And in some cases, I do because at least the damn shirt will be long enough. Sure, I get the arm hole confused with the neck hole. But I can live with that. At least the shirt will fit — sort of. After a few washes, they also become shapeless, but I am fast discovering that is what I must be. Because shapeless t-shirts tend to fit. In the sense that they are long enough AND fit across my shoulders.

So, t-shirt manufacturers, please arrange a meeting amongst you all. And thrash out what each size means. Even if you are in the meeting for a week. Don’t leave until you have all reached agreement on what small, medium and large mean. Meaning you can make bigger than large and have extra large covered straight away. Please do this as a matter of urgency. It’s not a lot for us to ask.

Today, I am wearing a size large t-shirt. Yes, I know. My normal size is extra-large these days. But this one somehow fits. I reckon it had a secret ingredient that made it grow once I washed it over fifty times.