The Sleep Dilemma

It is approaching that time of night where darkness fell many hours ago and any reasonable person would be considering slumber, which, for the record, I am not. Since sleep decided some time ago, that I am not a man who requires sleep beyond an exhausted nap in the armchair at 3pm. 

Sleep you see, has formed opinions about people like me. Having reached an age where I have fewer tomorrows than I’ve had yesterdays, which is the sort of statistic that seems profound until you realise it applies to everyone who has successfully remembered to keep breathing.

It is as though a secret, little-known sleep committee has judged that nocturnal happenings are only happenings if somebody is around to witness them. And I seem to be one of the lucky devils judged to be suitable for such observations. 

This evening, for example, I’ve noticed that the general silence, punctuated by the slapping and tapping noises my fingers make as I type this, is in fact, complete silence. Not a murmur of life is there to hear anywhere. Yet there are no signs of that elusive concept known to many as tiredness, arriving for me. What I do have is lead weights forcing my eyelids in a generally downwards direction. But no suggestion that closing them will result in a deep and meaningful sleep. 

I have, in light of this dilemma, come up with a solution. It involves keeping a collection of user guides, training notes, or for extreme cases, articles from the Guardian newspaper. I have found that the human brain will, when presented with a choice between comprehending paragraph seven of a software licensing agreement and unconsciousness, choose unconsciousness with remarkable enthusiasm.

If that doesn’t work, I shall stare very hard at a single point on the wall opposite.