Waste Not, Want Not

Collections of food waste in the new bins we now have from the council will begin 7th September. Or, they will in Coventry. I’m not sure about for the rest of the universe. It might be Thursday. 

I have a strong suspicion that the council have never met the senior members of Grandma’s Recycling Approvals Network (G.R.A.N). They will be tutting and looking most perturbed from under bonnets, shawls and flat caps when they see what these new bins are for. 

Food waste. Those two words DO NOT belong together. Not according to Hilda Eatup from GRAN. She said: “Food waste is not possible if people use their food correctly. There will be no need to throw any of it out. Pfft! Come on! Waste not, want not!” 

The funny thing is, I remember my Grandmother using that same phrase when we were children. She would fill her sideboard with sandwiches, snacks, and all sorts of treats. And expect it all to be eaten before we went home. Not in a cruel way, she loved to feed us up. She worried that we had a long walk and needed the sustenance to make it home. 

My mother would tell us not to eat so much. To which my Grandmother would reply: “Leave them alone! They are growing children. And waste not, want not.” 

The phrase first came into use in the late 1700s. Ebenezer Cobb, a baker in London, would offer his unsold bread to the local population. His bread was notorious for being of a firm consistency. To the point that some people used loaves laid out for a mattress. People with lumber issues liked the firm support. 

When old Ebenezer spotted he had loaves left, he’d walk through the streets, lobbing them through open windows. Yelling: “Waste not, want not …” The brave person who threw one back out got an entire tray delivered the next morning. Loaves, tough as old boots. Even the birds left the crusts alone. 

With that in mind, waste not, want not seems relevant today. We do not need bins for food waste. Because there should not be food waste. It’s that simple. It raises the question as to what problem the council think they are solving. And furthermore, what will they do with the aforementioned food waste? 

But a Freedom of Information request revealed one possibility. Councillor Edgar Eates has registered a business name: The Scraps And Sarnies Company. It implies that the Councillor has worked out how to maintain a regular supply chain for his dubious food business. 

There is another twist. Councillor Connie Compostable has family connections with the Compostable Bag Company who happen to manufacture the bin liners recommended by the council to line these new bins with. 

The new bins thing seems like a scandalous attempt to allow dodgy councillors to make money from your burnt toast. But I’m happy to say, they won’t get it all their own way. A committee known as Societal Crap & Refuse Attainment Prevention Service (S.C.R.A.P.S) has released a statement saying they will make sure and eat every last morsel. 

Miss Naomi Nibbles said: We will not provide a free supply for those dodgy councillors. Furthermore, we will line our bins with newspaper and use them to grow tomatoes.” 

There once was a bin that felt sad,
Whose belly of trash made it glad.
When emptied of clutter,
It started to mutter,
And swore it was going quite mad.

Right, I think this column is complete. I’m going to bin it. In a normal bin. Not a food waste receptacle.