Where Did All the Lights Go?
I stepped out of the front door before dawn. Right away, I noticed two things about the daylight. First, it wasn’t there. Second, if it were, it was still asleep.
It was early — 05:30, if my memory serves me right. And if I don’t? It was still 05:30. Fair enough. The Captain of the Light had not yet pressed the “GO” button. A bit early, and all that.
What? You have never heard of the Captain of the Light?
Picture someone like Gandalf on a zero-hours contract. He sits at a celestial control panel with a big red button. With coffee in hand and a finger hovering, he tries to decide if humanity deserves a sunrise yet. His job is simple: don’t switch daylight on too soon. We could run out. Nobody wants that.
“Bit dark, what is going on?”
“Ah, the captain warned us.”
“About what?”
“Spending too much daylight. He’s out of D.A.Y. tokens.”
"D.A.Y. tokens?”
“Yep, it stands for ‘Daylight Allocation Yield.'"
“Blimey. Dark for a while, then.”
“Yep.”
That’s how it felt: like a parched traveller craving light. Also, it was bloody hard to see where I was going.
Coventry City Council has decided to keep the street lights off from midnight to 05:30. To save money. What absolute twaddle. I’ve emailed them to explain about the Captain. No more of my council tax should go to research on “better light usage.” There’s already a great wizard handling it.
In the meantime, I’ve decided to help the Captain and take a torch on my early morning walks. Batteries are not included.
I grabbed some batteries and stuffed them in the torch. Now I can see where I'm going. The Captain will feel pleased. I even started a petition to get the council to stop this nonsense. Who needs research on light usage when we have got a Captain in charge?
I walked to the council house to tell them that. They'd locked the door, so I left a note. It said: "Sort it out, or we'll get the Captain onto you."
I walked back home with the torch still on. It felt good to be doing something. A man in a dark cloak and a black fedora stopped me.
"Oi! Turn that light off! There's a blackout, you know!"
"No, it's the council trying to save money; that's all."
"WHAT? You mean I've been walking around falling over things for months? All because some idiot at the council wants to save money?"
"Fraid so."
He pulled a large feather out of his left pocket. He waved it around in the air.
"Aha! I can see! I'm light as a feather!"
He danced his way up the street, yelling a poem at the top of his voice:
Leave a bright light on
Through the bitter winter frost
Damn, I've lost my keys
The man's poem got louder. People opened their windows to see what the noise was. They saw him dancing with the feather. They started to laugh. The man tripped on a loose paving stone. He got up, still waving the feather. He walked into a lamppost. The feather fell out of his hand. He picked it up, still shouting his poem.
More people joined in, laughing and dancing. The street was now full of people. They all had torches on. The man in the dark cloak was happy. He had started something. The council would not like this, but it would please the Captain..
The man stopped dancing. He looked around at the crowd. He grinned, feeling proud. He put the feather back in his pocket. The crowd cheered. They wanted to hear more of his poem. He thought for a moment, then started again.
Leave a bright light on
Midst the biting winter gales
The pub has shut down
The crowd joined in, shouting the poem. The street was now a big party. No more blackouts; the people had won.
And in case there's an off chance that you don't think this is real? Here's a memo from the Captain to prove it.
Internal Memo: The Captain of the Light
To: All Humans (except the ones in suits)
Subject: D.A.Y. Token Shortage
Listen here! I’ve been pressing the "SUNRISE" button for four thousand years. And my finger is starting to look like a shrivelled prune. Now the Coventry Council tell me they want a discount?
I have switched off the street lights myself to teach them a lesson. If they want light, they must send three bags of jelly babies and a map showing where they’ve hidden the 05:30 slot. I am currently using a glow-worm on a stick to find my coffee mug. It is not working. The glow-worm has gone on strike and is demanding a tiny union rep.
Captain G. Light (Celestial Control Room - Third Floor, next to the bin)
Please note:
The Council finally 'saw the light' and started switching them back on last September (2025). Of course, they probably only did it because the Captain threatened to turn the moon upside down.
Disclaimer: No jelly babies were harmed in the making of this blackout, though one was slightly licked by the Council Leader