Andy Hawthorne

Cornelius Coffin had a problem. The Zaponians kept telling him to change his name. But, he went to the Humanoid Archive Centre in MegaCity 1, and paid for the evidence that ‘Coffin’ was his family name stretching back for centuries. 

Now, Zarg Gulfin, the Zaponian responsible for human identification protocols wasn’t impressed. Since he only really counted in light years. 

“But my Great, Great Grandfather was a funeral director. He buried more people than even you f—, er, bas— erm, aliens have.”

“The human process of burying the dead is banned because it is bad for the planet, the galaxy and the universe.”

“Right, but that doesn’t change the fact that my name is, in fact, Cornelius Coffin.”

“Identity confirmed.”

“Right, so we are all good then?”

“No. Your name breaches Naming Protocol 12A. It’s proximity to implied termination is not acceptable.”

“Er, listen mate. Let’s take your name, shall we?”

“What of it?”

“Zarg fucking Gulfin? Who gets called that?”

“Language Violation. Case 1008/1. And my name refers to a long line of Zaponian historical genre names.”

“Well, look, you cosmos-hopping numpty, that’s what my name is. It is historical—“

“Human, though. NOT Zaponian. Therefore, not the same.”

Cornelius sighed. This was going nowhere. 

“Well, I’m not changing it.” And then a thought rattled across his mind. 

“Ah, while we are talking about stupid names… The Zap that runs the Transport authority. He’s called Axelrod Gearshifter, right?”

“Correct.”

“I mean, c’mon! That’s full-on ridiculous!”

“The Gearshifters have a long historical-“

“See? THE SAME BLOODY THING AS MY NAME!”

Zarg’s expression, usually deadpan, twitched. His eyes rolled up to the top of his head. Which usually meant the Zap in question was thinking, processing or about to discharge his firearm. 

Zarg closed one eye. Cornelius winced. He’s never seen that before. 

Then, Zarg lifted himself up slightly and let rip a long, deeply baritone, rumbling, cosmic fart. 

Cornelius couldn’t quite believe it. 

“Did you just fart?”

“No.”

“You bloody did! And it was a right ripper!”

“Language Vio—“

“I tell you what, Mr Farty Pants. You leave my name alone, and I won’t lodge a complaint with the High Council that you dropped a fart with such a cosmic gust that it nearly blew me out of the building.”

“It wasn’t that strong—“

“They don’t know that, do they?”

Zarg sighed.

“Case dismissed.”

And that is why Cornelius Coffin is still called Cornelius Coffin.