Andy Hawthorne

In the mists of cosmic contemplation there swirled an idea that seemed so universally impossible that I had to try it, if for no other reason than to trigger a neural upgrade response. 

The idea came late one evening, on a Monday-ish sort of day. Which in and of itself, was a troublesome disturbance in the gravitational orbital dust of my notebook. But after I’d jotted the idea down, it became a space-time mandate. And they must not be ignored for fear that I’d simply turn to a new page and lose it to the entropy of forgotten intentions.

The idea? The intergalactic cosmological union of atomic absurdity? Write a Haiku as though tea was the fuel of universal importance, much appreciated by humans and those Zaponians, of course. 

Ah, readers. You will have no doubt just said: Zap-what? You may not yet be aware of their presence on our spinning rock. But they are here. You will no doubt get stuck behind one of their transporters soon enough, they are the size of a double-decker bus but bigger and more sideways. 

And it is they, and their enjoyment of a fine mug of Terrestrial Elixir Atrophy (T.E.A) as they call it, that led to me thinking about creating a Haiku to help explain their T.E.A preferences. It started as a cosmic thought experiment and became a blog post. 

So, without further ado or satellite lag, here is the first one:

The planet finds rain In the descent to winter  Gravity won’t help

No mention of tea, yet. But this sets the tone for what is to come, the universe wasn’t built in 5.23 minutes, after all.

I’m out on the street My poems boring the Bots They rust in the rain

Aha! Now, still no tea or T.E.A but this one sets up the fact that I will have to recite my poems to the AI Bots and that could be a problem if they stand listening for too long in the rain. 

Earthlings! Hear this now Despite the lousy weather You will serve us tea

Now, we are getting to it. The Zaponians make it clear that their invasion of our earthly realm is inevitable, but they like a nice mug of tea. 

Earthlings! Please take note Soft autumn rain is NOT tea It’s strength should melt steel

Here is more evidence that we must make tea strong enough to be called T.E.A. The Zaponians are very particular about this. Their tea strength gauges go all the way up to 9.89 (10 is not possible, it would cause a cosmic collapse). 

The brewing vessel  For autumnal cosmic tea Is a collider

Right, this one makes matters all the more serious and quantum physics becomes the mainstay of T.E.A production. This means their teapots can withstand builders tea. 

for winter strength tea A cosmic agitator That humans call ‘spoons’

Yet more galactic revelations. Stirring of the T.E.A can ONLY be completed correctly with a ‘cosmic agitator’ a device that looks uncannily like a spoon. 

And one final advisory bulletin flies across the mega-verse:

Plastic melts like mist Agitators must be steel So steeping succeeds

The Zaponians make it clear that steel, proper earthly steel must be used to manufacture agitators to the correct specification. Plastic simply will not do. 

And there, dear readers, we have it. The Zaponians (don’t forget to mind out for those transporters) like our tea, but have very precise requirements as to the brewing and preparation of said T.E.A. 

I have received a Directive from the Zaponian Overlord for ‘Personal Notations For General Edification’ (blog posts) that my use of Haiku is approved. Just as well, it took me ages to come up with them. 

I’m now off to make a cup of tea. Strength level 7.3. Any higher and the kitchen tiles start vibrating.