Lord of The Socks
The weather has turned much more akin with typical British summer weather. It is a damp Thursday as I fight write this. Still, everyone, including the postman I just met, says we needed a drop of rain. And, the weather has little to do with what I’m writing about.
No, the purpose of this column, is to write a thesis, an article, a grand essay, an account (alright, get on with it -Ed) about the footwear garment known as socks.
They are a seemingly innocent item of clothing. But do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to be fooled by their apparent harmless disposition.
I grabbed a pair of socks for my day of foot-based activity. Like walking. Turns out, I annoyed the Lord of The Socks.
Look, You are probably thinking, what? What’s he on about?
BUT, my friends, have you ever noticed how you always have one sock missing? And others mismatched?
That’s normal. Nothing to do with the Lord of The Socks. No, this bugger turns up when you are trying to choose socks.
Now me? I’m a ‘open the drawer and grab a pair’ type of person. I really don’t care. Or, I didn’t.
But, then, as you grab a pair, another pair jumps out. Like some entity, some other-worldly being, is criticising my choice.
I pick up the rogue pair, re-open the drawer to put them back in and…
No space. I don’t mean something has happened to space-time. I mean, the gap left in the drawer by the socks that popped out has disappeared.
The drawer has somehow filled up and realigned so there is no room for the errant pair to go back in. Being a man and impatient, I just ram them in. And close the drawer. Which now won’t close.
I pull it back open, give the socks another good squashunking (eh?) and shut the drawer again.
Nope.
So, I give it a kick. The drawer wobbles on its runners, creaks loudly — and pops back open. Slightly. Just enough to be really bloody annoying.
And all this malarky?
Caused by Lord of The Socks. A sentient being that resides in the sock drawers across the land, judging our sock choices. And making sure you wear them in rotation. Though I generally don’t turn mine inside out. Or turn around a lot while wearing socks.
But why Lord of The Socks? Well, apparently, there’s an Eye of Sock-on and a Grand Wizard of Middle Sockish that make up a world we humans have no clue about. The realm is called Riddle Girth and a famous author wrote about it. His name was R.J Token.
So now, I open the drawer and wear whichever ones come flying out of the drawer. Keeps the Orcs quiet.
Good day if it’s day, good night if it’s night and look out of the window if you’re not sure.