I have recently taken to walking around the city streets carrying an open umbrella containing absolutely no fabric whatsoever. Just the spindly metal ribs, radiating outwards like a mechanical spider.
It is, without a doubt, the greatest social tool I have ever owned.
When it begins to rain, people run for cover. They look at me, walking calmly, holding my bare frame high in the air.
—Excuse me, a polite woman said to me yesterday
She was sheltering under a shop awning.
—Your umbrella has no cover. You are getting soaked.
—Nonsense, I replied, staring directly at the gray sky.
—It’s a micro-mesh design. It deflects the large drops and allows the pleasant mist through. A very exclusive British design.
She nodded thoughtfully. People will believe anything if you say it with a straight face and look spindly enough. Furthermore, when walking down a crowded footpath, everyone gives me a wide berth. Nobody wants to collide with a naked umbrella frame. It is the ultimate social distancing mechanism.
Try it yourself. The rain is warm, anyway.