We got conned into taking Ellie, our granddaughter into an old-world sweet shop in Ryde, Isle of Wight. I say conned, we took great delight in going into a shop that sold Dolly Mixtures, nougat bars and coconut ice.

It turns out there was a story in the news today about a house clearing in Scunthorpe that unearthed a Mars Bar from 1991. It was a 62.5g bar. A proper giant when compared with today’s offering which is a 40g weakling.

I’m not going to advocate gorging on chocolate. But I do like a bit of chocolate now and then. Who doesn’t?

There is no doubt that the quality of chocolate today has descended into an oily residue in your mouth rather than the sugar rush of old.

Back in the day, we had bars like the Curly Wurly, the Double Decker, the Texan, and the Banjo, not to mention the Mars Bar, the Marathon, and Galaxy. Excuse me while I’m drooling.

These were all chocolate bars. And I mean proper chocolate. Thick, and with that cocoa taste. Unlike the fake crap we get these days that leaves the waxy, oily residue in your mouth I mentioned a moment ago.

Chocolate isn’t healthy, I know that. But that doesn’t mean we have to put up with the rubbish available today. There are reasons why we get that waxy aftertaste, I’ll get to that, but my point is: it’s about quality.

First though, let’s get into why we even like chocolate.

Cocoa butter melts at roughly 34°C (93°F), just below human body temperature. It creates a smooth, velvety coating in the mouth. Or, the good stuff does.

Milk chocolate features a ratio of fat to carbohydrates that closely mirrors natural human comfort foods. I’d say most people have eaten a bar of chocolate for no other reason than the comfort of it.

Another thing, sugar and fat activate the brain’s opioid and dopamine-driven reward centres, encouraging us to eat more. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

Let’s not forget that chocolate contains caffeine and theobromine which boost alertness and mood. Which is why I’ll have a couple of squares of dairy milk before going into a meeting. It works, honest…

And one more scientific point: Consumption of chocolate triggers natural feel-good endorphins, creating a sense of comfort and relaxation. We won’t mention the guilt when you have a couple more squares than you intended.

Now, back to that point about why chocolate is so crap these days.

First, high cocoa prices drive some large manufacturers to replace expensive cocoa butter with cheaper alternative vegetable fats and oils like palm oil or shea butter. Aha, that explains one of the problems.

While we are talking about fats, alternative fats have different melting points than pure cocoa butter, which alters how the chocolate coats your mouth and often leaves a slick, waxy, or oily residue. Boom, there it is. That’s why modern chocolate tastes like an oil slick.

While in that sweet shop in Ryde, we bought some classic Isle of Wight dairy milk made with pure cocoa butter. I’m almost reluctant to open it.

Almost.