It is a well-known fact that certain days of the week have conspired to be considerably longer than others.

The Timing Intervals Management Establishment (T.I.M.E), based in Greenwich, have confirmed that there are certain temporal anomalies that cannot be explained by horological observation alone. And they should know, since they are responsible for making sure Greenwich isn’t too mean with time.

For three consecutive weeks, the editorial staff of Coventry Dispatch (me) has conducted rigorous horological observations from our my offices overlooking Fleet Street my back garden in the suburbs of Coventry. My findings are as conclusive as they are alarming: Tuesday afternoons do not conform to standard arithmetic.

Likewise, I sometimes write on a Monday lunchtime. It doesn’t seen to mind. I use a pen with a rollerball nib because the surface is rough. But on completing a piece of writing, it then dissolves and becomes Monday evening without so much as a by your leave. (I have no idea why he added this -Ed)

While a Thursday morning passes in what feels like nineteen seconds, the period between three o’clock and four o’clock on any given Tuesday expands like boiled suet pudding. A suet pudding, for those born after 1981, is made from wheat flour and suet. Suet being the hard, raw fat found around the kidneys of beef, mutton or the Lesser Spotted Bull. This heavy, comforting dish has a history dating back to the 17th century. Or last week, which is when I last had one.

Anyway, I decided to investigate further in true journalistic fashion. Equipped with three pendulum clocks, a brass stopwatch, and a copper kettle, I recorded the following temporal anomalies:

• Standard Hour: 60 minutes.
• Observed Tuesday 3:15 PM: 107 minutes of a continuous rain sound.
• Tea kettle Boiling Rate: Delayed by a factor of 1.4 while waiting for editor approval.

“That is not an accurate observation, you do not lose time waiting for me.”

“Hello, Arthur. For those reading this, I apologise for the interruption, Arthur is my internal editor. And Arthur? Yes, you do make me wait.”

“I do not. Unless your work is below standard. Which in the case of this piece? Is definitely true. It’s utter bull…”

“Thank you, Arthur! No need for any further discussion.”

Regarding the Tuesday afternoon issue…

I have addressed a formal letter of complaint to the Astronomer Royal at Greenwich, requesting either an adjustment of the Earth’s axis or the provision of additional biscuits to sustain writers during these dilated hours.

I await a reply. I suspect it might arrive on Tuesday afternoon.